041910. I have been struggling to write this
post since Saturday.
I had spent the day at a White Tantric Yoga Retreat in Culver City. And I wanted to write the minute I got home, because I felt like I had a lot to say about the event.
But I also wanted to spend time with the LO and my SuperMom and SuperStepDad (who were kind enough to babysit while I whiled away my time meditating).
And I wanted to
sleep.
Because I was very
tired.
Because Saturday was a
long day.
So my blog suffered. Although maybe not. (I suppose that's up to you to decide if you decide to read on.)
And then Sunday was a blur. I was up at 6 am (and so was the LO). We had a cake to bake, a quiche to make and a bread pudding to put in the oven.
(missed the quiche photo-op)
We had a house to clean. A dress to don. Blocks to play with. And a party to prepare for … There was
a lot to do before LO’s birthday brunch!
So Sunday night … I was tired again … and my pillow beat out the computer in the never-ending battle in my brain.
And now it’s Monday.
And everything I had to
say on Saturday evening no longer feels relevant.
Because on Saturday evening I was tired … and I was frustrated … and I was a little disappointed with the White Tantric Yoga event.
And I planned on going on a rant about how if you go to an event that’s
made up of 8 hours of meditating, you probably want to have a transcendental experience – one that takes you to
some new level of consciousness.
Or maybe even just to a place where you stop thinking about all the
worries and struggles that are happening in your life at that moment. At least if you’re me, that’s what you’re hoping.
But that wasn’t the case
at all. At least … it wasn’t the
case for me.
I know it was the case for people sitting near me
… and people not sitting near me.
But I also know I wasn’t
the only one who got stuck.
Stuck in my body. Stuck in my brain. Stuck on this very earthly plane. During one particularly grueling
31-minute meditation (the day was made up of four 31-minute meditations, a
62-minute meditation, a 22-minute meditation, and one more 18-minute meditation
… and a vegetarian lunch), I found myself singularly focused on how asleep the
toes on my right foot were feeling… not so much pins and needles, but small
daggers and bitter cold ice. And
wondering what would happen “if I just moved my leg a little bit?”
During another meditation
I just wanted to know why I was YAWNING so
much?!?!
And why did my back ache?
And why is my partner
moving so fast?!?!
Is everyone else moving so
fast?!? (We were doing a tandem sort of see-saw motion at the time. And what I discovered later is that she was wondering the same thing about me. We were both trying to slow it down … but both got caught up
in not wanting to disrupt the other’s flow … weird.)
I guess this is what I get
for expecting something from the day. Because other times … when I didn’t expect something … I found myself
in what I can only describe as “the realm of the blue ether” – in a purely
ecstatic state from which I felt like I needed to be pulled back into my body.
So Saturday, it turns out,
was a lesson in humility for me.
But also … now that I’ve
had two days to process the experience … I realize that the facilitator told a
story before the whole thing started that feels so completely relevant, I want
to share it.
Her daughter was recently
in Thailand. And she noticed that
there were a number of “domestic elephants” in the community. And each elephant wore a thin string
around its ankle. Which was
curious. So she asked one of the
trainers about it. He told her
that when the elephant babies are born, the trainers tie a very heavy
and very strong chain/rope around it’s ankle and attach it to an
immovable post in the ground. No
matter how hard they pull, the baby elephants cannot get away from the
post. So it becomes this anchor. And when the babies grow up, they need
barely a string tied around the same ankle to keep them in one place. It doesn’t even need to be attached to
a post. Just a string.
And it’s the same with all
of us. As young children we are
trained by our parents, our schools, our religion, our friends, our communities
… And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
A lot of what we learn from our parents, our schools, our religion, our
friends and our communities is good and useful. It’s the other
stuff that we need to shake free from. The not-so-good stuff. The stuff that holds us back from reaching our full beautiful potential.
And upon reflection (the mediator reminded us as Tantric ended that it would take 40 days for us to feel the full effects of the day), maybe I was just struggling to pull on the ropes, and maybe it will take some time for the knots to come undone … I’ve got 38 days left … and I’m just going to keep up with my meditations until then (and hopefully beyond). Because I’d like to break the bonds that keep me grounded. I'd like to live the life I was destined to live before I got here.
How's that for a new New Age perspective?
Q: What stops you from living the life you were meant to live?
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